


A Night Off

by LadyEleanor456



Category: Chalet School - Elinor M. Brent-Dyer
Genre: Community: Lime Green Musing, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:34:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25272499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyEleanor456/pseuds/LadyEleanor456
Summary: The staff of the Chalet School have a night off and visit a strip club.  Originally posted on the SDL/ CBB
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	A Night Off

"Right," said Kathie Ferrars, "Who's got the vodka?"

"Not me," replied Matron, swigging lustily at bottle of Tia Maria.

"Nancy?"

"Sorry, I've got the gin,"

"Well, where is it?" demanded Kathy, peering under the bed.

"I bet Joan Bertram pinched it," said Nancy darkly.

"Oy!" replied a voice from the bathroom.

"Oops," grinned Nancy, "Would you like some gin instead?"

Kathy reached out and took it, "Thanks." She took a swig, "Where has Sharlie got to?"

"She's on her way, she just had to give Biddy a call to make sure she knew where to meet us this time," answered Matron.

The door suddenly flew open and in bounced Sharlie, "Are we ready?" she yelled.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" hissed everyone.

"What?" demanded Sharlie belligerently.

"They will hear you in Freudesheim," said Matron, "And we don't want her coming out with us again."

"Bloody hell, no," said Sharlie. She sat down on the bed and handed Kathie her vodka.

"Where did you find this?" asked Kathie accepting it gratefully and taking a swig.

"I found the Middles about to start drinking it, apparently they pinched it off Len Maynard, who had taken it from your desk. Anyway, are we ready?"

"Hell, yes!" said Matron, adjusting her wonder bra.

"Lets go then!"

The women crept down the back stairs, and slipped out into the garden.

"Is it clear?" asked Nancy pointing towards Freudesheim.

"I think so," said Kathie. But she spoke too soon.

"Cooee!!!" trilled a melodious voice.

"Sh*t," muttered Joan Bertram, she reached into her massive handbag, removed a miniature Baileys, opened it, and drank the contents in one swig.

"Run, now," said Matron.

They ran.

"Wait for me!" cried Joey.

"She's catching up," gasped Kathie.

"I can't run anymore," spluttered Nancy.

"It's no good," said Sharlie, "We are going to have to let her come with us again."

"Sh*t," muttered Joan Bertram, she reached into her massive handbag, removed a miniature Baileys, opened it, and drank the contents in one swig.

Joey erupted into their midst wearing lime green stockings, a lime green mini skirt and a lime green crop top. "Jack was able to babysit after all," she said happily.

"Sh*t," muttered Joan Bertram, she reached into her massive handbag, removed a miniature Baileys, opened it, and drank the contents in one swig.

"Come on then," sighed Matron.

"Where are we going tonight?" trilled Joey.

"Not to the Hot Klub Ärzte," said Kathie crossly, "You got us banned from there last time."

"Sh*t," muttered Joan Bertram, she reached into her massive handbag, removed a miniature Baileys, opened it, and drank the contents in one swig.

"How about that new club Len was telling me about?" suggested Joey.

"Which new club?" asked Matron.

"The Rosa Kasse Katze Klub," replied Joey.

"I’m not sure that is the club for us," said Kathie.

"Has Len been there?" asked Nancy curiously.

"No," answered Joey, "But she says that Reg loves it there."

"I see," said Nancy. She raised her eyebrows at the rest of the group, "Shall we give it a try?"

"Why not?" replied Sharlie, "After all, if Reg loves it..." the rest of her sentence finished in a tipsy giggle.

"But..." said Matron.

"But me no buts!" cried Nancy.

"But..." said Matron again.

"Matron," said Nancy meaningfully.

"But... Oh..." The penny dropped for Matron. "What an excellent idea. the Rosa Kasse Katze Klub it is!"

"Sh*t," muttered Joan Bertram, she reached into her massive handbag, removed a miniature Baileys, opened it, and drank the contents in one swig.

Some 40 minutes later they arrived at the club.

"I don't know why you are giggling so much," said Joey crossly as they gazed across the road at The Rosa Kasse Katze Klub, "It's an interesting sign don't you think?"

Matron looked at the sign, it was a silhouette of naked, well endowed young lady, sporting a pair of pussy cat ears and a tail. Matron looked down at her wonderbra sadly, all the starch in the world would never give her a cleavage as good as the woman on the sign.

"What are we waiting for?" asked Kathie, "Joey, you lead the way!"

"Rightio," said Joey, and she marched forwards. She did not look back, so she was unaware that nobody was following her, "Guten Abend, junger Mann."

"Pass?" grunted the well built young man on the door.

"Thank you," said Joey as she attempted to walk past him.

"Pass?" demanded the young man, in a more threatening tone of voice.

"I am trying to get past you," said Joey in a determined voice, "But you are standing in my way."

The man pulled out a walkie talkie and began to speak into it, "Heinrich, Ich benötige Hilfe hier. Enige verrückte alte bat wird versucht, in den Klub! Sie sieht nicht wie ein Stripper!"

"Well! I say!" cried Joey in shock, "Of course I don't look like a stripper! I am a respected mother of 22 children! And don't call me an old bat!"

"Scheiße!" said the man on the door, "Es muss Reg Mutter im Gesetz!"

"Yes!" said Joey, "I am Reg's mother in law and I demand entry to your club right now!"

"Sh*t," muttered Joan Bertram, she reached into her massive handbag, removed a miniature Baileys, opened it, and drank the contents in one swig.

"What's going on?" asked a voice, with just a creamy touch of Irish brogue.

"Well, as you can see," said Kathie, "Joey is wrestling with the bouncer in a crazed attempt to enter the Rosa Kasse Katze Klub."

"I see," said Biddy, "Does Joey know what kind of club it is?"

"No," replied Nancy, "Reg mentioned it to Len, who mentioned it to Joey, and here we are."

"I've never been to a strip club," said Biddy thoughtfully. She looked at the others, "What do you think?"

"Sh*t," muttered Joan Bertram, she reached into her massive handbag, removed a miniature Baileys, opened it, and drank the contents in one swig.

"How are we going to get in?" asked Matron, as the bouncer dragged Joey across the road, and thrust her into Matron's capable hands.

"Leave it to me," said Biddy, and she shimmied across the road to the club entrance.

"Hello me darlint," she said to bouncer, fluttering her eye lashes madly, "Could you be telling me how to get into the club?"

"Auditions round the back," said the bouncer who had suddenly developed the ability to speak English.

"Why, thank you," fluttered Biddy, she shimmied back across the road.

"You would never believe she is a married woman with 14 children," muttered Sharlie.

"Lets go!" said Biddy, and they set off round the back of the building to audition for jobs in the Rosa Kasse Katze Klub.

"Sh*t," muttered Joan Bertram, she reached into her massive handbag, removed a miniature Baileys, opened it, and drank the contents in one swig.

The reached the back of the building, there one the door was a sign which read:

"Hörproben hier und heute, die eigene Brustwarze tassles".

"What are nipple tassels?" asked Joey.

"Who cares!" grinned Biddy, and she knocked on the door.

"Come in," shouted a voice.

They entered the room, a small, greasy looking man was at behind a desk, "You here for the auditions?"

"Yep," replied Matron.

"Through there," he indicated to another door, "Auditions are already taking place, you may have too wait."

They walked through the door, and stopped dead in shock. For there, on a podium, surrounded by leering doctors was a figure in a cap and gown, performing a burlesque strip tease was Hilda Annersley. The blue eyes, which had never needed glasses, flashed with irritation as she saw who had entered the room, "Nell!" she called.

A figure appeared clutching a clip board in one hand, and a gin bottle in the other, "Ah," said Nell.

"Sh*t," muttered Joan Bertram, she reached into her massive handbag, removed a miniature Baileys, opened it, and drank the contents in one swig.

Hilda stood up, her gown flew open to reveal diamante nipple tassels, and a matching thong. There was a thud and Joey Maynard fell to the floor in a dead faint.

"What are you doing here?" demanded Hilda in her most headmistressly sounding tones.

"I was about to ask you the same question!" said Kathie.

"Clear off boys," said Hilda to the assembled doctors.

"Jack Maynard?" cried Matron, "You are supposed to be babysitting the sextuplets!"

Jack blushed and scuttled out of the room, closely followed by Reg Entwistle, Phil Graves and Gottfried Mensch amongst others.

Nancy raised her eyes at Hilda, "Well?" she said, "I can't believe you had to audition for this place!"

"Of course she didn't," replied Nell, "We own this club, but the only person who applied tonight was no good, so Hilda was giving the audition panel their reward."

"Give them the forms Nell," said Hilda.

"Oh yes," said Nell, she adopted a formal expression and tone of voice, "Thank you for applying to the Rosa Kasse Katze Klub the strip club of choice for the discerning Doctor. Please fill in these application forms, then proceed to the dressing rooms to change. I hope you brought your own nipple tassels."

"Damn!" said Biddy slapping her head theatrically, "I think I left mine with Eugen!"

"Not to worry," said Nell, "I have some spare ones." She handed round spare tassels and biros and the women set to filling in the forms."

"Name?" muttered Matron, "I have been 'Matron' so long I don't remember what my real name is."

"Age?" muttered Joey who had come round, she looked shifty and wrote "24".

"Prior experience?" muttered Kathie, she cast a swift look at Nancy and hissed "Do you think Grizel's hen night counts?"

"I've put it down," muttered Nancy.

"But no nipple tassels were involved," muttered Sharlie.

"Yes, but your clothes did come off," muttered Joan Bertram reaching into her massive handbag and fishing out another miniature Baileys.

"Can you wrap your legs around your head?" read Biddy, "I knew we should have invited Hilary Graves out with us, but it was her turn to baby sit."

"Hilary passed her audition with flying colours," said Nell cheerfully.

Sharlie Andrews was first up for the audition, she performed well, but lost marks when one of her nipple tassels flew off and hit Jack Maynard in the eye. Jack was removed from the audition room under protest to put an ice pack on the injured eye. This meant that he was forced to miss Joan Bertram's audition.

Joan shimmied onto the podium, and swung herself upside down on the pole with the assurance of a professional, there was an "Ooooh!" of appreciation from the assembled doctors. However Joan had neglected to remove the spare miniature Baileys from her bra, and one flew out hitting the returning Jack Maynard in the other eye. Jack was removed from the audition room under protest to put an ice pack on the injured eye. This meant he was forced to miss Biddy's audition.

Biddy began a slow striptease as she slid round the pole, there was an "Awwww" of appreciation from the assembled doctors. Unfortunately as she flung off her six inch heals one hit the returning Jack Maynard in the mouth. Jack was removed from the audition room under protest to put an ice pack on his bleeding lip. This meant he was forced to miss Kathie's audition.

To people who did not know her Kathie Ferrars seemed an ordinary, nice young lady. The performance she put on silenced the assembled doctors. Unfortunately as she swung horizontally on the pole on of her feet caught the returning Jack Maynard on the nose. Jack Maynard was removed from the audition room under protest to put an ice pack on his bleeding nose. This meant he was forced to miss Matron's audition.

Standing on the podium in her starched wonderbra and angels wing headdress, Matron reflected on how all their nights out seemed to end this way. She seized her headdress and threw it, in what she imagined to be a sexy and enticing way, at the assembled doctors. Unfortunately her aim was off and she hit the returning Jack Maynard in the throat. Jack Maynard was removed from the audition room under protest to put an ice pack on his bruised neck. This meant that he was forced to miss Nancy's audition.

Nancy had always been described as a 'big' girl, and so most of the doctors had ignored her in their obsessive quests for wives, despite the need for good child bearing hips. However they were now transfixed due to her magnificence. As Nancy rotated left her bosom was still rotating right, and unfortunately for the returning Jack Maynard it hit him in the face, sending him flying across the room. However nobody forced him out of the room as they were too transfixed by Nancy. This meant he was forced to watch his wife's audition.

Joey bounced onto the podium gleefully. She spun round removing her lime green crop-top and throwing it at Jack. This revealed her borrowed nipple tassels. 22 children and gravity had had an unfortunate effect on Joey's bosom. There was a collective groan from the assembled doctors, and one was sick.

Following their auditions, the women got dressed and waited to find out the results.

"I'm sure to qualify," said Joey happily, "I got the biggest round of applause!"

"Only when you put your clothes back on," snapped Matron. Wild horses wouldn't drag it from her, but actually Matron loathed Joey and did not want her to have passed the audition, as Matron believed she had failed to pass herself.

Joan was rummaging in her bag looking for her Baileys and ignoring the conversation around her. She was beginning to look slightly worried.

The women looked up as the door opened and Nell Wilson sashayed in, clutching a gin and tonic in one hand and a clipboard in the other. She was closely followed by Hilda Annersley, now fully dressed and holding a small glass of single malt.

"Sit down," said Hilda crisply as the women had automatically stood on her entrance, "Nell will now give you the results of your auditions." She turned expectantly towards Nell.

Nell took a step forward, once again she adopted a formal tone of voice, "Thank you again for applying to the Rosa Kasse Katze Klub, if you have not been successful this time, please do not audition again, as being thrown out of the club often offends."

Taking no notice of Nell, Joan Bertram began to throw empty Baileys bottles onto the floor as she rummaged more frantically in her bag.

"Nancy," said Nell, "You're in."

"Yes!" Nancy punched the air.

"In fact, you got the most votes," said Hilda.

"Ha!" cried Nancy, she turned to Joey, "Call me fat again will you?"

"Kathie," said Nell, "You're in."

"Yay!"

"Biddy, you too!"

"Fab!"

"Joan, despite the unfortunate incident with the Baileys, you're in too."

Joan took no notice, she had found one remaining miniature, and was happily drinking it down.

"Sharlie," said Nell, "Congratulations, you are now a member of the Rosa Kasse Katz Klub family."

Sharlie punched the air with glee.

"Which leaves... Matron and Joey," said Nell.

Matron started to bite her nails, Joey just sat smugly.

"Matron, you have passed the audition," said Nell.

Matron gave a sigh of relief.

"Joey," said Nell.

Nell looked at Joey, "Unfortunately, I am afraid you have failed the audition," she said.

"What?" said Joey.

"Unfortunately, I am afraid you have failed the audition," repeated Nell.

"What?" said Joey.

"Unfortunately, I am afraid you have failed the audition," repeated Nell again.

"What?" said Joey.

"Unfortunately..." began Nell once more.

"I heard you the first time," snapped Joey, "Why have I failed the audition, and why has she passed?" she pointed furiously at Matey.

"Matey appeals to a certain type of Doctor," said Hilda.

"And I don't I suppose?" snarled Joey, "What about Jack?"

"You appeal to Jack," said Hilda.

"God knows why," muttered Nell sotto voce, as she swigged her gin and tonic.

"Well, Jack's a Doctor!" replied Joey.

"Jack is only one Doctor," said Hilda, "and there were 43 at the audition, and none voted for you."

"You are going to regret this Hilda Tallulah Ermintrude Annersley!" cried Joey, as she stormed from the room.

It was midnight, the Platz was silent, nothing appeared to be moving. Suddenly, there was a brief flash of light, as if a door had opened and shut quickly. A figure was seen to move swiftly from Freudesheim to the Chalet School, a door opened once more and the figure swiftly vanished. Twenty minutes later, the figure re-appeared, clutching something tightly. The figure was only just in time, for suddenly there appeared Biddy, Kathie, Nancy, Joan, Matron and Sharlie, all giggling and occasionally bursting into song.

"It's been a great night!" said Biddy, as they reached the school, "but I must head back to Eugen now, or he will be worrying about me." She waved good bye, and the rest headed into the school.

"What do you think Joey will do this time?" said Kathie, a worried frown appearing on her face.

"Don't worry," replied Nancy, "It's Hilda she is mad at this time, not us."

Suddenly Joan Bertram provided a distraction by being sick.

The women climbed wearily into bed, first checking that Joey had not floured their pillows or made them apple pie beds. One by one they fell into the sleep of the truly drunk.

When they woke in the morning each woman carefully checked that her sink hadn't been powdered to make them believe in witches, and then checked the blackboards in their classrooms for Vaseline. They met outside the Saal.

"Nothing," said Kathie in relief, she had not forgotten the results of their last night out when Joey, in a temper because she had been thrown out of the bar in the San had retaliated by sewing up the sleeves and pockets of all their coats.

"Nothing for me too," said Nancy, who remembered the time that Joey, furious at being barred from Doktor Doktor Klub had revenged herself on the others by making several replicas of Baby Voodoo and enlisted the help of several middles in dangling them over their windows.

Suddenly, their musings were interrupted by a terrifying scream!

"That came from Matron's room!" cried Nancy.

"Run!"

They ran up to Matron's room, threw open the door, and a terrible sight me their eyes. Poor Matron was sat sobbing in front of an empty cupboard whose label read 'Angel's Wing Headdresses'. Not only was the cupboard empty but Matrons hair was:

"LIME GREEN!" sobbed Matron.

"Joey?" asked Kathie.

"Who but," said Sharlie.

"Do you think she is just after Matron?" Kathie asked.

"As if," said Nancy.

"Sh*t," said Joan Bertram, she reached into her handbag to remove a miniature bottle of Baileys. She opened it and was just about to pour the contents down her throat.

"Stop!" shouted Nancy.

"Why?" asked Joan, the bottle tilting at a dangerous angle.

"Look at the Baileys!" cried Nancy.

As one, the women turned to gaze at the bottle held in Joan's hand. A small droplet was forming on the end. It was not Baileys. It was:

"Lime green juice?" said Joan in horror.

Suddenly there was a loud scream.

"That came from Hilda's bathroom!" shrieked Kathie. The women abandoned Matron and charged towards the sound of the scream. The pushed open the bathroom door and were met by an astounding sight. Hilda Annersley, Headmistress of the Chalet School, was stood by a bath which was full of bubbles, so the water was not to be seen. Hilda herself was very noticeable, due to the fact she was:

"Lime green" cried Kathie.

At that moment, the phone rang in Hilda's room. Dripping lime green water everywhere Hilda rushed to answer it.

"Yes?" she snapped, "Nell? Slow down! What? You too? I think we know who is behind this don't we? Exactly... I agree... She will regret this! Come over right now!"

"Nell's lime green too I take it?" asked Sharlie.

"Yep!" said Hilda, grabbing her knickers.

"Joey?" asked Nancy.

"Yep!" replied Hilda.

"Revenge for last night?" asked Kathie.

"Yep!" replied Hilda.

"What are we going to do about it?" asked Joan.

"Wait till Nell gets here," replied Hilda, an evil grin spreading across her lime green face.

Even before Hilda had finished dressing, Joey struck again. This time her victims were Kathie and Nancy. Kathie walked into her classroom to set some work for Inter V to do by themselves so she could help Hilda and Nell sort out Joey. She reached into the cupboard to find the synthetic maps. They seemed to be stuck, she tugged harder, and the came loose. Unfortunately the large bottle of lime green ink which had been placed on top of them came loose too. Kathie was covered! There was a similar crash from Nancy's room. The two women met in the corridor, they were both now a beautiful shade of LIME GREEN!

However vengeance was soon to be theirs!

"Attention!" snapped Hilda.

Nell, Sharlie, Kathie, Nancy, Matron and Joan snapped to attention.

"Have you all set work for your classes?" demanded Hilda.

"Yes Ma'am!" cried the women.

"Have you left prefects in charge?"

"Yes Ma'am!"

"Are you ready to sort out Joey?"

"Yes Ma'am!" they bellowed.

"Hang on..." said Hilda.

"What Ma'am?"

"Nothing appears to have happened to Sharlie..."

As one, the women turned to stare at Sharlie, who was definitely not lime green.

"Um..." said Sharlie.

"Why are you not lime green?" demanded Hilda.

"Are you on Joey's side?" growled Nell, cracking her knuckles.

"No!" cried Sharlie.

"Then why are you not lime green?" growled Nell once more.

"I... I am..." said Sharlie.

"Where?" growled Nell.

Sharlie leant forwards and whispered in Hilda's ear. Hilda raised her eyebrows, "It's ok Nell, Sharlie is lime green, but just not where she wants to show us!"

Nell cracked her knuckles again, "And what about Biddy?" she demanded, "Where is she?"

"Biddy rang me earlier, she woke up this morning and discovered that the second quads had been dyed lime green, as we speak she is still trying to reduce them back to their normal colour."

"Oh," said Nell.

"Right then," said Hilda, "Does anyone have any suggestions as how to revenge ourselves upon Joey?"

"Kill her?" suggested Nancy.

"We've tried that one before," said Hilda, "And it wasn't pretty."

"Kill, kill, kill," muttered Nell, who was now cracking her knuckles and swigging lustily from a bottle of gin.

"There will be no killing!" said Hilda firmly, "Now gather round people, I have a plan!"

They gathered round, and listened to the plan. Occasionally Hilda's whisper was interrupted by giggles, and the odd question, which seemed to result in more giggles.

"We are agreed then?" demanded Hilda.

"Yes Ma’am!" cried the others.

"Hic!" said Nell.

"Then fetch Jack Maynard!" cried Hilda.

The women left the room via the door, as was normal, apart from Nell, who, caught up in the spirit of the occasion, attempted to leap through the shut window. Being a school, the window was reinforced glass, and Nell had to be escorted to Hilda's study to revive with a strong gin and tonic.

The Lime Green Ladies marched out of the study and into the fresh alpine air. It was a clear day, and the views were astonishing: particularly the view of Freudesheim. The day before it had been a beautiful Swiss chalet. It was still as Swill chalet, however it was now a lime green Swiss chalet. The sunlight reflecting off its walls was quite dazzling.

"Gosh!" said Nell, swaying partly from the dazzling view, and partly from the gin.

"This is not a good sign," said Hilda, "She has never gone this far before. I only hope Jack is alright."

"What are you planning on doing with him?" asked Kathie.

"Hold him to ransom until Joey returns to normal," replied Hilda.

"Again?" asked Nancy in surprise.

"Well, it always works," said Hilda.

They opened the lime green door and peeped inside.

"All clear!" cried Nell happily, pushing the door open. There was a resounding clonk, and Nell fell to the floor, still, grey and to all appearances dead. She had been hit on the head by a lump of purest lime green.

Hilda rushed to her side, and tried desperately to find a pulse. She had no luck. It would appear that Nell was dead.

Stepping over Nell's corpse the Ladies of Lime Green entered the hall, they turned to Jack's study and Hilda kicked the door open. A terrible sight met their eyes. Jack Maynard was sprawled naked in his chair, he was also very dead.

"Oh my god!" cried Joan, rummaging in her bag for a Baileys.

"What killed him?" gasped Kathie.

"I think that should be obvious," said Hilda, "Joey has painted him entirely lime green."

"That was a bit harsh," said a familiar voice.

"Nell!" cried the women together, "We thought you were dead!"

"Not me," said Nell, "I had my skull replaced with steel some years ago."

"Why?"

"In case Evvy ever blew up the chemistry lab again," said Nell, "By the way, there were some strange noises coming from the kitchen, I think we had better investigate." She took a swig from her hip flask and slipped it back into her bra. Turning, she led the way to the kitchen. As she opened the door, a shot rang out. Nell fell to the floor, still, grey, and to all appearances dead. A vision in lime green fled out of the back door cackling manically.

"Is she really dead this time?" asked Nancy, as Hilda tried, and failed to find a pulse.

"I'm afraid so," said Hilda, a sob interrupted her. She spun round, there, with her head on the table sobbing was Anna.

"What's the matter?" asked Nancy.

"Frau Maynard!" sobbed Anna, "She says I can no longer make lemon biscuits!"

"Why? Your lemon biscuits are world famous!"

"Ya! But she says they must now be lime green!"

"Oh dear me," said a voice.

They spun round, and there stood the one, the only, living and breathing Nell Wilson.

"I thought you were dead!" cried Hilda in relief.

"Not this time," said Nell, she reached into her bra and pulled out a dented hip flask. She looked at it ruefully, "I've had this since I was 12 years old," she shoved it into her knickers, "What's happened to Joey?"

"She ran thatta way!" declaimed Nancy, pointing to the open door.

"In that case," said the indestructible Miss Wilson, "Let us go after her and she will get her just desserts!"

"And quite how are you planning on achieving that aim?" demanded a voice which dripped lime green from every syllable.

It was Joey. Clad from head to foot in the purest lime green, she had a gun in one hand, and a cricket bat in the other. Both were lime green. She grinned, a grin made more evil by her lime green lipstick.

"Well?" demanded Joey, "How do you think you are going to kill me this time?" She swung the cricket bat at Nell, catching her in the groin. There was the sound of wood hitting metal. Even Joey looked surprised.

"What on earth?" she said.

Nell reached into her knickers and pulled out the hip flask, it was damaged beyond repair.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Joey, her eyes glowing lime green.

"Joey, why are you doing this?" asked Hilda gently removing the hip flask from Nell's trembling fingers, and dropping it on the floor.

"You always leave me out of things!" cried Joey, "You go out without me, Joan won't let me into the secret of her magic handbag, Jack didn't vote for me, you only ever need me when there is a problem new girl you claim you can't deal with! And I am sick of it! You are all going to be punished!"

Joey swung the cricket bad wildly, whilst taking pot shots with the gun. Luckily she was a terrible shot, and the gun ran out of bullets before she was actually able to hit anyone.

Hilda stood still, watching the carnage around her, occasionally she was forced to make a comment, such as "Nell, you are not in the Matrix, stop doing that" and "Joan, just put the handbag down, it will be quite safe,"

Joey on the other hand was screaming "DIE! DIE! DIE!" as she flailed around with the cricket bat.

Having run out of bullets Joey seized the next available thing, Anna's lime green lemon biscuits. Using the cricket bat she began hitting them at the others. Nancy dived to the front, and with amazing dexterity was able to catch all the biscuits in her teeth, and then swallow them.

"Not bad," she muttered, brushing lime green crumbs from her mouth.

Joey screamed in fury and threw the cricket bat at Nancy's head. Nancy ducked, the cricket bat hit Nell Wilson full in the face, but, thanks to the aforementioned steel skull, did little damage, beyond denting her nose.

Nell picked up the bat, and began advancing on Joey, swinging it expertly, Joey backed into a corner, her eyes darting frantically, looking for some way to escape.

But there was no escape. Nell swung the cricket bat with controlled violence, and Joey slumped to the floor. Dropping the bat, Nell grabbed her feet and dragged her to the cellar. Hilda opened the door and together they rolled Joey down the steps. Then Hilda locked the door and put the key in the bread bin. She turned to the remaining staff. "Just once, could we please have a night off that doesn't result in Joey painting the platz lime green in a frenzy afterwards?"

The staff looked at their feet and shuffled guiltily.

"I mean," said Hilda, "Is it too much to ask that you just get her drunk, then put her in a taxi and send her home?"

More shuffling.

"And Anna, stop over reacting please. Joey asks you to make lime green biscuits at least once a week."

"Ja," sighed Anna.

"Now, lets all go and have a gin and tonic."


End file.
